As the picture suggests, they took a lot of fluid out of my abdomen on Wednesday.
7.4 liters to be exact. That much fluid removed translated to my losing around 24 pounds from my body weight (I weighed 169 on Tuesday; I weighed 145 today). I’ve never lost that much weight in a month, much less an hour. The good news is that I immediately felt better all the way around: my mobility improved, my abdomen quit swelling, and eventually I was able to breathe a LOT better—deeper breaths that moved more air into my system.
I’m hoping that when I pick up my CPAP machine on Monday, I’ll feel like an entirely new human being once I get a genuinely full night’s sleep. I hope that because that’s what the nurses and other medical staff keep telling me. I also hope that because I’m tired of fatigue creating brain fog and other issues.
Up to now, the medical folks think I’ve been operating at 50-75% of my capacity due to the lack of sleep. I’m looking forward to seeing how accessing that final 25% might change the quality of my work for John Maxwell as well as the launch of my book, Learning to Write: A Memoir, Manifesto, and Guidebook for Aspiring Writers. Not to mention my new project, The C-List, and a few other things that are coming up in my schedule, like launching some books for the John Maxwell Publishing Imprint as well as helping other writers with their personal projects.
In short, things are looking up. I’m learning to live with cancer more and more each day—learning to be faster in asking for help, to not be afraid when things seem weird, and to trust the people in my corner to be my friends and advocates.
I’m leaning into the process of healing and growth that this cancer battle affords me.
That healing isn’t just physical, though that aspect of the battle is very important to me. It’s also mental, spiritual, and emotional healing as well. Leaning into one aspect of the process at the expense of the other aspects is to leave the healing undone; to waste the opportunity that the healing process presents.
I’ve written a bit about this in previous newsletters, so I won’t belabor the point much in this issue, but there’s wisdom in reviewing the journey, in allowing yourself to open up to all aspects of the process. You cannot be fully healed if you only allow healing to happen in certain places.
For me, the emotional healing is the hardest. I’ve been stoic most of my life, someone who repressed and hid what I truly felt so as not to upset other people with how I felt. I prized their emotional response above my own.
Now, could you make an argument that repressing my emotions might have led to my cancer? There are people out there who live in that school of thought, as well as some studies and journal articles that support the theory. Rachel and I have discussed this possibility, and while in my case it could certainly be true, to spend time digging in and doing the necessary unearthing would require skipping other aspects of the healing process.
So we took was was good from those studies: that you have to recognize and admit that you’ve been repressing your emotions and then you have to practice releasing and experiencing them in real time.
As a result, I’ve learned to cry. I’m pretty sure I’ve written about this elsewhere, but for me, crying is my ultimate release. I cry when I’m sad; I cry when I’m angry; I cry when I think of things that are beautiful or meaningful or special to my life. Tears are my emotional release and I am the better for allowing them to flow freely.
Being open to my emotions does make me feel better. I know the cancer treatment is healing my body and preparing me for life beyond illness, but if I’m not emotionally healthy, what good does it do? True health—perfection, if you’d like to use to a Biblical term that means “whole” or “fully” or “complete”—only comes when you’re healthy all the way around.
Americans focus on physical health as the end-all, be-all of true health, but that’s not the case; true health is when human beings are at their best in all aspects of life, and that’s what I’m shooting for.
I don’t just want to come out this season with physical health; I want full and complete healing that will last the rest of my life because I have so much I want to do.
This week’s prayer requests:
Jason—for the paracentesis wound to heal up and not leak; for no fluid to return in the abdomen; for the diuretic pills I’m taking to help keep the fluid minimized; for the chemo side effects to continue to be minimal; for the addition of my CPAP machine to help with sleep challenges; for my thoracentesis (lung fluid drainage) to go well next Wednesday.
Rachel—for continued rest and rejuvenation; for strength and stamina as she drives Ella back and forth to ballet intensives; for continued joy in her bible studies and other research; for continued patience and energy to help me with my fight.
Ella—for strength and stamina to continue to do well in ballet intensives; for her confidence to continue to grow regarding her dancing and her potential for this upcoming season; for rest and relaxation once ballet intensive is over.
Jon—for discipline and patience to do his summer homework assignments; for continued growth in his area of interests; for an easy growth spurt that doesn’t produce pain; for a growth in his interest in matters of faith.
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This week’s final thought is a simple one: don’t neglect your health.
Don’t neglect your physical health, but especially pay attention to your emotional, spiritual, and mental health. For you to live a full and rich life, you must be fully healthy.
You need to experience the full range of emotions.
You need to experience the full blessings of your mind.
You need to experience the power and peace that comes from a settled spirit.
When you neglect any one of these areas, or your physical health, then you settle for a lesser life. You decide that a half-life, or a three-quarters life, is the best you can expect or hope for, and it’s simply not true. You can be completely healthy in this life. You can be perfected by the power of God’s healing touch.
But you have to chase after it. You have to want it—or believe you are worthy of that kind of health.
I hope you’ll come to that belief.
I hope you’ll embrace the truth that, thanks to the work of God, you can have what Jesus called, “more and better life than you ever dreamed of.”1 And you can have it, even in the midst of struggle or pain. What God is offering, is something stronger, greater, and more powerful than anything you can imagine.
It’s worth it.
Thanks for reading. Hope you have a great rest of the week.
Best,
Jason
John 10:10, The Message translation.
I have said for many, many years God equipped us with the ability to cry for tears are the pressure valve to release our stress. We are praying for that healing that you are testifying to. Keep up the good fight. Harriet & Clark Harrison
Such wise words! I learn something with every single post! Thank you and God bless!