Body Battles
Some days are simply worse than others. And grosser, too.
If you’d like to have this newsletter delivered to your inbox, just click the button:
This round of chemo is a mess. And I mean that literally. I could go into greater detail, but for those who aren’t into vivid descriptions of body functions and fluids, I’m going to hold back on the grotesquerie.
Let’s just say there’s been a lot of cleaning of toilets and leave it there, okay?
There’s also been a lot of sleeping. I was essentially a lump on Sunday; just a mass of humanity on the couch, my eyes closed, my mouth wide open, with snores and noises trickling out at random. My stomach was still a mess, so when I went to eat what Rachel had graciously cooked (in between taxiing Ella to ballet, mind you), I got one bite down before I had to chuck it and cook soup.
There are lots of days like that when you’re battling cancer; days when things are just off and you have little to no control over what’s happening. I can honestly say that having your stomach growl and roll and produce stuff that smells like death isn’t fun. It’s not comforting. It certainly doesn’t make it easy to have a positive outlook on life.
And yet the weekend was pretty good overall. I was strong enough to go into work on Friday and record some podcasts with my CEO and leader, Mark Cole. He had no idea I was coming, so I had the joy of seeing the surprise and happiness wash over his face when he saw me. It was a beautiful reaction—genuine surprise and gratitude that I was able to get out of the house for the first time in 15 months.
Funnily enough, the topic for our podcasts was encouragement and hope. Mark flipped the script on me1 and put me on the spot as the person offering insight and application, and while I’m not going to pretend I said anything profound, I will say that it was one of the most honest and authentic shows we’ve ever done.
Of course, I wouldn’t have pulled the surprise off if not for Jake Decker, my friend and our podcast producer, agreeing to take me home after the session was over. I’ve known Jake since he was 14, and we’ve worked together for the last 3 years or so; I’ve not seen him since March 2020, so it was just as wonderful to see his lanky frame come through the door that led to our studio and then see his face light up with a smile.
I’m telling you: being loved by people is awesome.
I also owe thanks to Rachel for agreeing that I was strong enough to go, and to my dad who served as my Lyft driver to the office.2 One of the challenges you kind of underestimate when you’re fighting cancer and going through chemo is exactly what you’re capable of doing when you feel good. You don’t want to waste a good day, but you don’t want to overestimate what you’re capable of either. So it helps to have people who can help you stay realistic.
Being able to just go into the office—as well as share a car ride and a little time on my back porch with Jake and his wonderful wife, McKenzie (who drove over to join us on the trip home)—gave me incredible energy, so much so that I was able to make successfully make it through Ella’s ballet company performance of “Aladdin” Friday night. I was a little worried I might be overdoing it, but I don’t ever want to miss a chance to watch Ella dance.
Which is why, when we woke up on Saturday morning, I agreed to go to her ballet class recital at 9:00AM.
Was that pushing it? Probably.
Was it worth it? Definitely.
Waking up in distress on Sunday isn’t necessarily correlated with what I did Friday and Saturday, and even if it were, that’s a small price to pay for living. Good days are worth investing in, and living in fear that maybe something will happen does nothing except limit the number of good days you’re bound to see.
So, the chemo roller coaster continues, but just that one victory—just that small window where I got out of the house and lived like a normal person3—makes everything else worth it. But isn’t that true in your life as well? Aren’t there just some things, some moments, that make the hurry and worry of life melt away to reveal the beauty that’s hiding in plain sight?
And when those moments come, we often promise ourselves that we won’t take it for granted; that we’ll cherish that moment and what it means for our lives…and then we go right back to whatever we were doing before hand. The moment comes and goes without our really being impacted by it at all. This isn’t me passing judgment on anyone, mind you; this is just an observation about the way we’re wired as Americans—and maybe even as humans.
Those moments matter. They’re the moments that enrich our lives and make the struggles we face worthwhile. When we are bombarded by bad news, or overwhelmed by difficult circumstances, it’s the small moments of beauty that reorient us and keep us on track. Sure, we often let them slip by us unrecognized or at the very least uneventful, but they’re still there for us to access.
Take advantage of them as often as you can. At the risk of sounding like a Hallmark™ card, those moments are meant for you. Step out of the office, put down the smartphone, and close the laptop more often because those moments are waiting for you to discover them. The rush of life will always be there, but some of those moments won’t—and once you’ve missed them, they’re gone, dissolved into the mists of what could have been.
If it sounds like I’m being preachy, well—I am. I’m in a position that affords me a certain outsider’s point of view on the life that most of us choose to lead, and let me tell you: we choose the poorer things more often than we should. Yes, you’ve heard the trite cliches about no one on their deathbed ever lamented that they didn’t work more, but until that cliche has stared you down and become a cold reality, you don’t know the power of that statement.
I love my job, but what makes me truly happy is people. And finding moments with the people I love most is a priority for me now. It should’ve been that way all along,4 but it’s easy to get swayed by the hurry and hustle everyone else buys into. It’s hard to stand on your own sometimes and push against the cultural current, but it is very much worth it.
Just like the people you’re fighting to spend time with.
I’ve heard from a few of y’all that this section is your favorite because it helps you feel like you’re actively fighting alongside our family. To that, I can only say, “Thank you” and please keep your prayers coming.
This week’s prayer requests:
For Jason—decreased side effects, increased appetite, and better sleep; please pray in advance of my second paracentesis, which is scheduled for May 26th at 11:30AM in Athens–unfortunately, I have fluid build up again, making this procedure necessary for relief; please pray for continued focus and energy for work and that I can continue to contribute at a high level.
For Rachel—rest, rest, rest; we’re almost to the end of the school and ballet year, and Rachel has been a trouper serving as the official family chauffeur, but she needs a prolonged period where she can concentrate on herself and her needs for a little while; pray for continued energy to deal with my various medical concerns and procedures, and for us to just enjoy every moment we have together, regardless of the context.
For Ella—please pray for her to do well on her finals next week; pray that she can use the time off from ballet this week to her advantage and use it for study and preparation; continue to pray for her to develop healthy and mutual friendships; please pray for her next year in ballet, as Ella was named to Senior Company at the Northeast Atlanta Ballet, fulfilling a long time dream and goal of hers!
For Jon—please pray for him to finish school strong; while he doesn’t have the same kind of study load as Ella, he still needs to lean in and do good work to end the year well; please pray for his summer–that he’ll find a subject or interest that captures him and helps give him focus beyond just gaming (not that there’s anything wrong with that!); please pray for him to continue developing healthy and mutual friendships as well.
If you’ve never thought about it, spend some time reflecting on how much of your life is spent pain-free—how many minutes a day you’re able to move and do what you’d like without there being a corresponding sensory experience of something hurting or not working as it should.
While I’m not in constant pain (my back pain is usually around a 1 on a scale to 10), there are other types of pain: gas, intestinal, emotional, even mental, that I deal with pretty regularly. They’re not massive pains that make me wish for a way out, but they are discomforts that impede regular life. And they take up a lot of my time because I have to find a way to deal with them.
If you’re blessed to go through most of your day pain-free, then every time you become aware of that give a word of thanks for being able to live that way. Remember there are others across the globe who live in constant pain, some of it severe, who would gladly trade what they have for even a few minutes of pain-free living.
You are more blessed than you know. This week is a good time to truly count those blessings and savor them.
Thanks for reading!
Best,
Jason
Want to share this post with someone you think would enjoy it? Click this button:
Want to share your thoughts on what I’ve written? Click this button:
Ordinarily, I interview Mark and ask him questions that pull out insights and teachable moments from his life and travels. He was dead-set on putting me in the hot seat, however, and I was truly humbled by the opportunity.
Rachel had to carpool the kids to school at that time, so my dad got up early and stepped in to be my ride.
Assuming there still is such a thing as a “normal person”; given the past year or so, we don’t exactly have a universal normal anymore, do we?
Truthfully, I have lived with this mindset since our firstborn, Ruthanne, died in the womb a few days after her due date. That was in May 31, 2004, and my conviction that paying attention to what truly matters has only deepened since then.
I enjoyed reading your insights and perspective. I sincerely hate that you are going through this and pray for you and your family, consistently.
As usual, I enjoyed reading your insights and reflections. Thanks for sharing and keeping us informed and inspired.